Poor man’s guide to motorcycle collection

Step 1

Inform wife you have “accidentally” purchased a written off bike, with no frame numbers.

Step 2

Realise the bike is located 200miles away and definitely can’t be ridden home.

Step 3

Choose appropriate transport, a trailer would be good, but who wants to drive at 60mph, not use the outside lane and have the bike wagging around on a metal frame with a mind of its own behind the car. Much better to remove the rear seats from said car and take a good toolbox.

Step 4

Arrive to pick up the bike just as the sun has gone down that way you maximise the difficulty of loading a bike you have never seen before, let alone taken apart.

Step 5

Get told by the company you are collecting the bike from you aren’t allowed to disassemble a bike in their yard due to health and safety. Clearly the forklift trucks hammering round the car park are fine though. So now choose to do the job just outside the gates away from any convenient street light.

Step 6

Remove the rear wheel by carefully balancing the bike on the side stand with the help of an able assistant (or disabled either is good). Now with said assistant lift the rear section of the bike into the car leaving the front wheel hovering just off the floor. Remove the front suspension and mudguard. Now realise you need to remove the front wheel and brake caliper too, so re-tighten front suspension and repeat after front wheel removal. Don’t forget to make sure that the tools are really cold, this helps speed up the process as you don’t want to hold the tools for too long.

Step 7

Repeat your favorite swear words while lifting, sliding or shoving the bike into the boot of the car. Don’t forget to get your assistant to keep asking why you didn’t bring a trailer and drop unsubtle hints about their doubts that the bike will fit.

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Step 8

Load the removed parts into the car and strap the bike down. Scrabble around on the floor looking for the wheel spacers you weren’t sure were there in the first place.

Step 9

Defrost the car as it has frozen up during the time it has taken to load the bike. Now drive home high on the smell of petrol, oil and mud.

Step 10

Unload motorcycle in freezing conditions, try to bump start and give up as it is too cold.

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